MY MEMORY OF PAIN AND DEATH

December 18, 2003

My father was in confinement at a government hospital in Manila because of persistent cough associated with weight loss and intermittent fever. A thorough medical exam was done on him to include chest x-ray, bronchoscopy,ct-guided biopsy and a lung scan. Bronchial washings and minute lung tissues were submitted for biopsy. The entire family was restless and apprehensive. I, for one, was feeling all sorts of emotions ranging from anxiety to fear.

December 20, 2003

I went to another hospital in Manila to pick up the lung biopsy results of Papa. As a physician, I know deep inside what the results would be. Yet, with palms sweating and heart heavily pounding, I slowly opened the white envelope containing the typewritten biopsy results.It states: Pulmonary Adenocarcinoma. In layman’s terms-Lung Cancer.

I was dumbfounded…I stood still for a few minutes not fully grasping the reality looming in front of me. Tears started streaming down. And I’m getting frank stares from other people. Frankly, I don’t give a damn! My mind was in a topsy-turvy, totally confused and bogged down. How will I break the news to Papa and the rest of the family?

Gathering my strength, I headed towards the elevator and proceeded to the hospital’s chapel at the 7th floor. Once inside the chapel, I poured out my questions and denials. Why Papa? He’s not even a smoker. Why so sudden? A lots of why. It couldn’t be true! Maybe the pathologist made a mistake. I broke down and cried my heart out to God.

Suddenly, my eyes were turned and got fixed at the wooden cross in front of me. It was a spiritual battle. I prayed hard to Jesus Christ for comfort and strength.Then,calmness engulfed me.I remembered God’s words: “Come to me,you who are heavily burdened and I will give you rest”.

I have found total acceptance and obedience to His will.

December 26, 2003

Papa spent Christmas in his hospital bed. He insisted that he be discharged from the hospital. I recalled his words: “I don’t want to spend New Year’s Eve in this cold and lonely place. Bring me HOME".

December 30, 2003

Papa was scheduled for chemotherapy. But before initiation of treatment, liver function test and liver scan were requested. A primary carcinoma was found at his liver. (Damn these cancer cells!!!).Further results revealed derangement of liver and its functions to 70-80%.The doctors informed me and my mom that treatment is impossible. There’s no way Papa could tolerate chemotherapy and its side effects. Cancer cells have spread and his illness beyond cure.

January 3, 2004

By this time, Papa was resigned to his fate. He prepared for his forthcoming reunion with our Creator--seeking forgiveness from all whom he has offended and forgiving all who have hurt him. He confessed his sins and accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as his Savior.

It was so typical of my dad. Nobody knows what’s going on his mind. He was preserved, quiet, calm and so BRAVE….

January 15, 2004

At two o’clock in the morning, Papa succumbed to his illness. He died peacefully. I’m just thankful God answered our prayers. HE didn’t let my father suffer much. No aching pains, no groaning, no howling, no chemotherapy and its effects, no morphine…..Just a beautiful smile on his face.

June 25, 2009

Six years has passed and the only thing left is his memory. And the gnawing pain and truth that still hurts: I am just a human being living in a borrowed time.And I'm a physician who couldn’t even cure her own father.

It was God who healed him of all his earthly pains…..


I LOVE YOU,PAPA!